There was a time, several years before I traded small-town life for my bustling urban lifestyle, when I believed the world was an essentially happy place in which to live. Ableism was a term I’d never heard, and even though I faced and recognized discrimination occasionally, it seemed far too rare to form a pattern. My community was a generally accepting, accommodating one, and I expected the rest of the world to reflect it. If I’d begun a blog back then, it would have adopted a tone that suggested most people with disabilities had little right to complain. Life wasn’t so bad, was it? My personal experiences certainly didn’t indicate that everything was terrible, and I, cozy in my cocoon, couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about. If you’d asked me about my place in the disability community, I’d have shrugged and said, “What community?” Blind people, in my limited view, were a largely grumpy lot, and I didn’t think they really had the right to be so.
Today, however, I’m as grumpy and disgruntled as just about everyone else. I’m not a combative or pessimistic person, but even I can’t escape stabs of despair and intense annoyance when someone congratulates me for living on my own, or navigating my workplace, or behaving as any woman my age would be expected to behave. I cringe when people try to explain my own disability to me. Ignorant comments on social media set me ablaze, even though I know it’s not productive. I experience regular urges to indulge in a primal scream or three. In essence, I find myself in a perpetual state of annoyance. Why must the able population be so silly? Discriminatory? Ignorant? Rude? Disrespectful? Why?
And so, burdened with this tiresome emotional landscape, I find myself longing for a simpler time, clichéd as that may sound. My soul yearns for a time when my attitude toward sighted people was almost universally positive. I excused even the most egregious behaviour in the name of understanding and empathy. I overlooked inaccurate and damaging viewpoints because I “get where they’re coming from.” I remained astonishingly cordial when confronted with statements like “I don’t see how you’ll ever get married and raise kids…” or “It’s a pity you’re blind, but at least you can sing…” and “How can you work?” I simply did not realize how poisonous these ideas could be. Mostly, I let them roll off my back, and since grumbling about them wasn’t encouraged, I shoved the hurt I did feel into a cobwebby corner where uncomfortable feelings go to die.
Now, I’m forced to re-evaluate my worldview. Much as I’d like to remain in my comforting bubble, I encounter too many first-hand obstacles to pretend all is well any longer. I’m learning, quickly but grudgingly, that yes: it really is that bad. No, living with a disability isn’t nearly as arduous as people imagine, but it still comes with a whole host of challenges. Further, I’m also learning that just because I haven’t come across a particular issue doesn’t mean it’s unworthy of consideration. The fact is, I’ve been lucky, and insisting that disabled people should take a chill pill is akin to ignoring my own reality, and theirs.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the hysteria and unnecessary combativeness I see in the disabled community, of course. Some people seem to live for the chance to rant passionately about every imperfect able person they meet. It seems as though some of us have turned defensiveness into a learned behaviour, such that it’s become a knee-jerk reaction. Any attempts to bring empathy and nuance into the conversation are dismissed, sometimes with a vehemence I can’t imagine having the energy to muster on my best days. Our complaints are usually justified, but many of us, including me, are guilty of jumping to conclusions and making life more difficult than it needs to be. This is why I work so hard to cultivate an ultimately kind, measured perspective in my writing and my everyday life. To do otherwise goes against everything I am.
Even so, there is plenty to be upset about, and some days I don’t feel equipped to handle it all. A frightening brittleness accompanies me far too often, so that I feel as though I will either cry or snap if one more person grabs me without my permission or sulks when I turn down their assistance. I’m not sure when I became so volatile, but while courtesy and reason tend to win the furious battle inside my head, I expend far too much energy in the process.
I miss my bubble. I am tired and anxious and insufferably irritable, and I hate it. One of the things I’m unable to stomach is being in a bad mood for too long. Grumpiness and outrage just don’t suit me. I miss being able to shrug off even the nastiest comments and laugh at everything else. Surely there is a middle ground between priming myself for misery and retreating to a safe but unhealthy state of blissful ignorance. There has to be a way to pick my battles without feeling so desperately conflicted and exhausted.
I’m going to be okay. I know, from watching other disabled people, that time will bring growth, patience and security. Eventually, managing all of these burdens will become second nature, if not easy. I know I will find a place of peace. While I wait, however, I find myself looking wistfully backward.
I miss my bubble, but it’s not where I belong. One day, my heart will catch up with my mind. Until then, universe, grant me patience.
Month: March 2017
Dead Ends: 6 Battles I Refuse To Fight
I’m a fan of healthy debate, and since I can see grey in just about every conceivable area, I’m all for engaging with everyone about nearly every topic. However, I’m finding it progressively less useful to engage with certain types of people, who continue to pick fights with others about debates that should, in my opinion at least, have been retired long since. Some perspectives are simply too antiquated, inaccurate, or unconstructive to be worth examination, and today I’ll present a few of the arguments I’ve promised myself I will never become embroiled in again. Part of a healthy lifestyle is knowing which battles to fight and which are lost causes, and this is a list of arguments I believe we need to put to bed, once and for all.
1. Cane versus guide dog: travel is intensely personal, and any cane vs. guide dog debate needs to account for individual preferences, needs, and abilities. Guide dogs offer numerous advantages, but they are not the only efficient mobility tool. Some blind people don’t like dogs, dislike guide dog travel, feel more confident with a cane, and/or are unable to afford a dog. Additionally, canes offer their own advantages. You don’t need to feed, relieve, or plan your schedule around a cane’s needs, and the cane provides tactile feedback some blind travellers, like me, consider essential. So, however you might feel about it, please stop arguing with people about which is better. Instead, focus on the advantages and disadvantages of both, leaving it up to each blind person to decide for themselves. Blanket statements and definitive answers simply aren’t useful, so there’s no point in resorting to them.
2. The duty to educate: I have always valued my ability to educate able people, and am usually open to answering questions and spreading accurate information. Education is one of the primary purposes my blog exists, and was the original reason I began it at all. I don’t align myself with those who insist it is every disabled person’s duty to educate, though. If you enjoy it, and find yourself routinely annoyed by people’s ignorance, then you should certainly raise awareness and answer as many questions as you’d like. If you’re more concerned with going about your business unencumbered by other people’s curiosity, or if you just don’t like putting yourself or your ideas out there, by all means refrain from doing so. Ultimately, you are the only one who should dictate how you spend your time, so I hope people will eventually stop squabbling about duty and purpose and obligation.
3. Public versus mainstream education: I spent grade school and postsecondary school in mainstream education—that is to say, I attended publicly funded institutions and did not generally receive specialized education tailored to blind students. The only school for the blind in my country was too far away to be a viable option, and in any case I preferred to be integrated into the sighted world as much as possible. I’ve heard horror stories about schools for the blind. People talk about lowered academic standards, inadequate enforcement of social skills, abuse that went unchecked, and a serious lack of encouragement when it came to helping blind people prepare for independent living. By contrast, I’ve heard other students praise their schools, having learned valuable skills mainstream schools usually cannot teach, and being among people who understood them and their struggles intimately. My own experiences with public school were mixed. I had to balance the benefits of inclusion with the severe lack of resources my rural school was able to procure. All in all, I don’t think it’s useful or wise to argue back and forth about which type of education is objectively better. The reality is that the subject is too varied and too personal to debate properly, so while it’s fair enough to pick apart the merits of specific institutions, making general statements demonstrates a disregard for nuance that seldom does any good.
4. Sighted versus blind partners: I covered this topic extensively in previous posts, and that’s the last I really want to say on the matter. It’s all very well to discuss the merits of dating both types of partners. Blind partners are able to understand us on a gut level, which can be enormously comforting. Sighted partners are typically able to provide assistance, such as driving us around and helping us navigate unfamiliar areas, which is an awfully nice perk. I fail to see the point of telling fellow disabled people whom they should date. Regardless of personal preference, we shouldn’t be meddling in anyone else’s love life. Let people exercise agency, because goodness knows able people love to badger us as it is. Promote freedom of choice, and otherwise keep your nose out of other people’s romantic lives.
5. Language policing: this is another topic I’ve covered before, and once again, it’s an argument I refuse to revisit. It’s one thing to be sensitive to other people’s wishes and keep up with the evolution of language, but when you are describing yourself, do so however you see fit. No one—and I do mean no one—has any right to insist you should change or criticize you for using incorrect labels. You are in charge of your self-concept and identity. Don’t let anyone convince you that you’re “doing it wrong.” Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but that doesn’t mean you have to listen.
6. Doing blindness the right way: there is no such thing as “doing blindness wrong.” Really, there isn’t. There are harmful behaviours and unwise practices, but disability is just a personal trait. Just as there’s no right or wrong way to be queer or female, there’s no wrong way to be blind. That doesn’t mean you’re above reproach and should be insulated from criticism; part of a community’s job is to watch out for each other and call each other out, but anyone who tries to claim there’s only one way to live this life is hopelessly narrow-minded. They can share their definitions of a life properly lived, but you don’t have to care.
Do you find yourself sick to death of any dead-end arguments? Feel free to share them in the comments; I’d love to hear them.
“Go Play With Your Friends!”
“Meagan, what are you doing over here by yourself?”
The daycare worker stood over three-year-old me as I crouched by a wall, well away from the groups of laughing children. I remember holding a toy giraffe (which I was pretending was a pony), and babbling happily to myself, weaving some far-fetched tale or other to while the hours away. I raised my head reluctantly but obediently; I was loath to interrupt my highly-enjoyable game, but I was a relatively respectful child.
She waited.
“Well? What are you doing?”
“Playing.”
“Put that down and go play with your friends.”
It’s astounding, really, the level of clarity this memory still holds for me. My head is full of fuzzy childhood memories, but this one stands out. If I concentrate, I can still feel the cynical amusement her comment had provoked—an amusement that was distinctly unlike what a child ought to feel.
“I don’t have any friends.”
How could she not know this? Was she not paying attention when kids turned their backs as I approached? Did she miss the very public incident when a toy crate was placed directly in my path in the hopes that I’d trip?
“Yes you do.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Well, go make some then.”
As she walked away, my child self felt absolutely nothing but relief: I could get back to my giraffe—ahem, pony—without further annoyances.
What I find remarkable about this memory is not the underlying theme of social isolation and bullying. Bullying had tapered off almost to nothing when I went to grade school, I was extraordinarily lucky, but daycare was somewhat different. I faced relatively little direct confrontation—I was certainly never abused or put in real danger—but social exclusion was at its height. No, what I always dwell upon is how very unaffected I was by all of it. Kids are all supposed to crave a peer group, but for whatever reason my rejected social overtures didn’t faze me. I didn’t try very hard, and once I realized it was basically futile, I retreated to the safety and endless entertainment that could be found inside my own head. I was aware on some level that this made me different, but I simply don’t remember being bothered in any way by it.
I was not a socially starved child, generally speaking. I was forever pestering my elder sister to play with me, enjoyed the company of adults immensely, and had a huge, welcoming extended family to keep me company during gatherings. If I had the opportunity to play one-on-one with accepting kids my own age, I took it quite contentedly.
Despite this, my introversion seemed to be a source of ongoing anxiety for the adults in my life. Daycare workers, teachers, consultants, and all manner of others concerned themselves with my social development, no doubt worried that a disabled child left to her own devices would morph into a stunted mess. Their fears weren’t entirely unfounded, and my isolation did facilitate certain quirks it took me a bit too long to eliminate, but my intelligence, contentment, and overall growth didn’t feel impeded by my apparently-tragic lack of friends. At least, that’s how I tend to view it.
Frequently labeled antisocial and stubborn, I noticed that my personal preferences were considered partially or wholly irrelevant. This is true for many children, I think, especially when they grow up surrounded by people who fear they’ll turn out wrong, somehow. I don’t know that any adult stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, Meagan was at peace with not having many friends, and that she’d make them when she was ready. I’m not sure anyone recognized that introversion and antisocial behaviour are worlds apart.
As I grew older, I did begin to amass a very small, very selective group of friends. I didn’t always choose adults’ perceptions of ideal candidates—that is, I did not necessarily gravitate toward popular kids. In fact, I tended to avoid them, and they likewise avoided me unless they thought I’d give them the answers to the homework that had just been assigned. (My studiousness was attractive to just about everyone in my classes over the years, meaning everyone wanted to sit next to me inside but scattered at recess time.) The steady friends I did have were a bit like me: introverted, slightly eccentric, and entirely content with being both. Throughout my childhood, all the way up to middle school, the refrain continued: play with your friends. Be more social. Don’t just stand by that wall all the time. Go play with these girls and those guys and that group over there.
Sometimes, the concern, which I know to be benign and not entirely misguided, got a little out of hand. Fellow students were ordered to play with me (please never do this to any child), and didn’t always hide their resentment over it. Others would allow me into their group briefly, but were just as happy as I was to see me go. Probably, if I’d tried harder, been chattier, been more charming, I’d have made progress, but it all came down to the inescapable facts: they didn’t really want me around, and I was in no mood to waste energy trying to persuade them otherwise.
Don’t get me wrong: I nursed my moments of loneliness, especially as a teenager. Sometimes it seemed as though having more friends would be an express line to a better life, within the confines of school, anyway. When I became a bit more popular in middle school and my social group got larger, I welcomed opportunities to experience new people and activities. When I got to university and was totally alone again, I felt hollow and far more desolate than I’d ever felt as an excluded child.
On the whole, however, I don’t believe my personal growth was much improved by the constant commands to be more outgoing. The social butterfly wings don’t suit me, and they never really have. I applaud the efforts of those who cared for me; I know they were aware of the risks inherent in an isolated, sheltered child, and I see the effects of this isolation in other blind people. Some of them can’t shake a pronounced awkwardness, even as an adult, and I’m grateful to have navigated that particular minefield fairly successfully. I owe much of that to the efforts of the adults closest to me, who were just trying to make me into the best person I could be.
These things aside, I believe my intense introversion, so often judged and found wanting, shielded me from so much of the drama and misery that are youth’s trademark. Other kids were worrying endlessly about who was out and who was in, but I was busy reading yet another book. Other children at daycare were fighting over toys while I sat safely in a corner, knowing my giraffe-pony was mine, all mine. My ambivalence toward my peers wasn’t always an asset, and it definitely got me into trouble a time or two, but it also insulated me from a lot of pain and self-doubt I really didn’t need. Childhood and teenage years are difficult for anyone, but I had separate challenges that meant I would have had precious little time to waste on being lonely anyway. I was way too concerned with a mental illness I did not understand and a disability I didn’t always know how to deal with to cry my eyes out over whether the girls on the tarmac would let me skip rope with them.
Today, I’m still an unapologetic introvert, though with far more friends and a much richer social life. I’m no longer content with total exclusion, and I spend way too much time these days agonizing over things I would have thought silly and worthless as a child. I like my life, and I like who I’ve become.
Still, once in awhile I appeal to that three-year-old I once was. I ask her to lend me her shamelessness and her practicality. I ask her to remind me that I can be my own best friend when the need arises, and that what other people think, well, it doesn’t always have to matter.
Don’t worry, introverts. You’re okay.
Where's Your Dog? 