Satire: 17 Easy Ways To Make A Blind Person’s Day

1. When introducing yourself, use loud, exaggerated speech. Since we’re blind, it’s safe to assume we’re a little dim, too.
2. Don’t speak directly to us. It’s always best to talk over our heads like we’re not there at all, especially if you are offering a service. Example: “What would she like to order?” Be sure to ignore our attempts to answer for ourselves.
3. Grab or otherwise manipulate our bodies whenever and wherever you deem necessary. For example, if you intuitively perceive that we’re going the wrong way (even if you haven’t asked where that is) just snatch the nearest limb and lead on, Macduff!
4. If you aren’t in a position to grab us, you can always shout instructions in the hope that we’ll know what you’re talking about. If we look baffled, just keep repeating the instructions in an increasingly frantic tone. We’ll clue in eventually.
5. Remind us often how grateful we should be that people are willing to provide accommodations for us. While it’s unlikely that we will ever, ever forget this for more than five minutes at a time, it’s a good idea to slam the thought home when we’re not expecting it. It builds character.
6. Stage loud conversations about us while we’re in the room, because we won’t hear. If we hear, it’s okay, because we won’t understand. If we understand, it’s okay, because we won’t care.
7. Keep all conversation firmly focused on blindness. If we try to interject by discussing our education or interests, just redirect us. We get carried away trying to be all normal, so it’s helpful to keep us on track!
8. Be sure to describe all the other blind people you’ve ever met, in extravagant detail. We couldn’t be more fascinated by that blind guy who skied, and that other blind guy who went to school with you, and that blind girl you met on the train once—the one with the cute puppy…
9. Make a habit of asking us why we’re “here”. If we’re on the bus, ask us why we’re out alone. If we’re at work, ask us how we got the job. If we’re in class, ask us why we’re in university. If we seem offended, ignore us: deep down inside, we really enjoy presumptuous interrogation!
10. Dispense advice about how we should live our lives; the less you know us, the more valuable your feedback will be. If you need a good starting point, you can begin by analyzing our mobility tool of choice (cane or dog) and emphatically demanding that we switch. We love that.
11. Involve yourself in our love lives, specifying exactly the type of person we should date and why. If you think we should date a sighted person because they’ll be able to take care of us, we’ll want to hear all about it. If you think we should date a blind person because we should “stick to our own kind” we will be all ears!
12. Give us things—money, coupons, whatever—because you pity us and want to make our day better. Don’t be phased by any apparent expressions of confusion. (“Oh, that’s just my gratitude face!”)
13. Stop us on the street and thank whomever we’re with for helping/taking care of/being so kind to us. It’s not as though we have real friends who genuinely enjoy our company. No: if we’re out with a sighted person, they are fulfilling a purely charitable role. They will appreciate your praise, and we will feel extra extra grateful!
14. Place your hands on us in any public place and pray. If we gently explain that we don’t want to be prayed for, rest assured that it’s just the secular cynicism doing the talking. When our sight is miraculously restored, you’ll be the first to know.
15. Make as many potentially dangerous practical jokes as you can think of. A few good ideas include warning us of imaginary obstacles (“Watch out for that tree-just kidding!”), concealing our possessions, and encouraging us to “find” you while you run gleefully around us in circles. These were a staple of primary school, and I treasure many pleasant memories from that era. Do me a favour, and bring back the nostalgia!
16. Refer to us as “that blind person” even after you know our names. Blindness is so integral to our identities that our names are really just decorative, so there’s no need to remember or use them. If we fail to answer to “Hey, blind girl/guy!” just keep trying. We’ll learn to love it.
17. Assume that our default status is “Help!” If we reassure you that we’re okay, thanks, don’t fall for it. Insisting upon rescuing us every time we cross paths places us into a position of dependence, which is exactly where we belong.

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15 thoughts on “Satire: 17 Easy Ways To Make A Blind Person’s Day

  1. I ami am grinning inwardly at this as I know it’s not really how it is but it’s more for the laughs I guess guessing you were probably in the mood for a little light humour lol g

      • Nope, this really is how it is. People may not necessarily mean to be hurtful or daft, but it happens. Sometimes it is pure nastiness though, like throwing a firework under a working guide dog, bitching loudly about why there’s a blind person there and making comments about how “gross” their eyes are.

  2. This was so much fun to read and sooo enlightening. I’m physically disabled and I never thought I’d relate to the struggles of a blind person but I really did. I’m also a comic artist and recently started a blog to show and explain my artwork in the context of my disability, I hope you can check it out. I’d really like to talk to you, feel free to email me.

    • Hi, Vanessa. I’m so glad you like the blog; thanks for dropping by! I hope you’ll visit again. I will check out your blog (though if you’re an artist I don’t know how much I’ll be able to appreciate it) and I will email you as well.

  3. Pingback: A Funny Refresher On Thiings That Annoy Blind People |

  4. Both of my parents are totally blind and I’ve seen pretty much all of these things to a greater or lesser degree!

    I also add:
    1. Take offence when the person corrects their guide dog for distraction/missing something/running them into a tree. They should be grateful for their dog and never correct it, what a filthy blind burden on society!
    2. One should always ignore signs and instructions from guide dog handlers. All dogs love food and pats, the fact that they’re working means nothing! Also, throwing things at the dog is always hilarious.
    3. One should always talk only to the person a blind person is with. Blind people can’t hear and understand, so ask the companion personal questions, hand them the change even if the blind person gave you the cash, and then be astounded that the companion defers to the blind person or calls you out on your behaviour.
    4. Blind people don’t have sex, and they definitely don’t reproduce, so it’s always appropriate to ask them how they do the act. Even better, ask their kids!
    5. Always point and say “that way” when giving directions. Also, nod/shake your head to answer. They can sense the airwaves like a great big bat.
    6. If you meet the child of a blind person, who by some devil magic does things for themselves and hasn’t killed their kids, tell them repeatedly how inspiring their parents. Then be offended when the child says they’re not really inspired, it’s just my parents for heaven’s sake!
    7. Blind people are always inspiring, and because of this, they have absolutely no faults whatsoever. They exist purely to make other people feel good about themselves, and sit at home in angelic, virginal glory. They are never rude, alcoholics, gamblers, adulterers or otherwise flawed.
    8. On the flip side, you should also always pity them, because they all have very miserable lives, live in squalor and can’t feed themselves.
    9. Take photos! The closer up the better. The silly ol’ blindie’s never gonna know!

    I could be here all day!

  5. Apparently blind people cannot use stairs either. Every time I’ve been on a visit with a pupil we have been told about the lift and told it might be better to use it than take the stairs. Not sure what they think will happen to the blind student on the stairs!

  6. People often talk through me at restaurants e.g. “Does she want cream in her coffee?” “What would she like for dinner?” So I glare at them when they do that. Because you know, I clearly remember putting my brain cells in nefore we drove to the restaurant for crying out loud.

  7. This was quite funny, it must be annoying to be treated like you’re mentally impaired. But you know there are a lot of sincere people who just want to show kindness and it’s quite sad that you take for granted that they take the time and use their money to try to show kindness. There are a lot of people who are blind or otherwise impaired who feel loved when strangers do that for them because they are not as lucky as you to have a supportive environment. Because of people like you you will have people scared to help others who yearn for love. I guess you cant ever win with a lot of people these days.

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